Oh ya, and it's so reasonable.

I'm in a real K-Hole, daddy.

My dad died seven years ago today. I rarely get weepy over it - not because I didn’t love him to pieces, but because his absence has been part of my life for so long now that my time with him seems like a very distant memory. A third of the time I did have him around, he was ill or recovering from illness. My life changed immensely when he first became sick. I was 12 and at the onset of a very diffcult and depressive adolescence. Finding out that your dad has lung cancer isn’t much of a pick-me-up.

I don’t want to rehash the times in the hospital, staying home with him every day during the last few months he was alive, watching him lose his voice and his mind. Eventually, he slipped into a coma. He was dead two days later. I told him that I loved him and that I was proud to be his daughter about a minute before he finally passed. He opened his eyes, took one last breath, and let go.

I’ve never been stoic about him being gone, but I don’t dwell on it either. My sister and my mom, especially, tend to invoke him to the point of discomfort (for me.) I try to balance reminiscing and honoring his memory with living my life in the now. Of course it’s awful to lose your father, but I can’t imagine what it’s like to lose your partner, and if I were in my mom’s position I would probably be acting the same. It’s hard for me to articulate why I miss him so much. He wasn’t really an authority figure to me - I usually ignored his attempts at discipline, and I didn’t respect him in that way, but I respected him more than anyone for his sense of humor, his intellect and his kind heart. He was always open with me, sometimes to a fault. Maybe because I was a relatively mature kid and he was a relatively immature adult, we got along in a different way than most fathers and daughters. And while that immaturity frustrated the hell out of me sometimes, it was part of him that I accepted and don’t think about much now, except as a personality quirk. The older I get, and the more I learn about him from my mom, the more I see myself in him - the depression, the defiance, the self-indulgence, the know-it-all-ness, the desire to connect with other people, but sometimes feeling like I can’t. He did his best as a dad and in retrospect, I wouldn’t have wanted my childhood much different. The material deficiencies were more than made up for with the life of intellectual and emotional fullness that both of my parents provided me.

Now that I’m an adult (or getting there), I really miss him as a friend. He loved to stay up late, watch Jeopardy! and Mystery Science Theater and COPS, eat junk food, and joke around. He was so charming and funny, such a magnetic person. To know that he’s part of me is soothing in a way, but not enough sometimes.

I love you, dad, and I hope you’re happy wherever you are.

More thinking

of the easy variety. The James Lipton quiz. I would exclaim ‘scrumtrulescent!’ here, but I’m not a douchebag, so I won’t.

What is your favorite word? Favorite how? A word whose meaning makes me happy, a word I use a lot, a word I like the sound of? I’ll answer all those three - love, maybe, klaxon

What is your least favorite word? Same format: unfortunately, obviously, panties

What turns you on? Again, I assume: this is sexual. So I will say big noses, crooked teeth, big eyes, assertiveness, tallness.

What turns you off? Thin lips, blondes, shortness, awkwardness, bad clothes.

What is your favorite curse word? Gotta give it up for FUCK. None of this hybrid ‘douchefuck,’ ‘shitwad,’ ‘cockslice’ portmanteau bullshit. It’s not funny.

What sound or noise do you love? The sound of THUNDERSTORMS! Shit, who doesn’t? It’s by far the best nature sound. I also love street sounds in the summer with the windows open, truck brakes, train horns, loons in northern Wisconsin and guitar solos. It has not thunderstormed in England once since I’ve been here. Oh, but it rains plenty.

What sound or noise do you hate? I hate hearing birds chirping when I’m up too late. And the sound of my roommate talking. Yeah, I hate that.

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? I don’t have a profession right now, but my dream job is to work in local media.

What profession would you not like to do? Yesterday I proclaimed that working at an airport in any capacity would be my worst nightmare. That’s an exaggeration, but it would still be pretty bad. Hell is other people, after all.

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? Come in, everyone’s here.

Thinking Exercise

Brain: nnnnnggggggggeeeeuuuuuuuhhh

I just ended a pretty grueling semester of school. Grueling in the grad school sense, as in, I was forced to devote up to 20 hours a week to school, and ONLY got three weeks off from class from the end of January until now. It’s a pace I simply can’t keep up with. 

The last three weeks, though, have been pretty strenuous - but only because I waited until the last minute, as usual. Can people change? Will I ever get my shit together? If I spent more time on my work I could probably produce something pretty fucking good. But instead I have to sit on the Internet and download embarrassing songs, drink wine, eat lightly salted kettle chips and generally act like a child who sees their freedom from supervision as an excuse to indulge their every desire. 

ANYWAY… I love questionnaires. These are gleaned from various sources (Pitchfork - heh, Vanity Fair, etc.) and smushed together to paint a portrait of… me.

Favorite Songs from the Past Year

I can’t even think of a song that’s come out in the past year that I liked enough to note. I like that Panda Bear song ‘Bros’. ‘Steady As She Goes’ by Shellac. It’s not that I don’t want to listen to new music, just that nothing has really jumped out at me recently. There’s enough old stuff to focus on anyway. Oh, I like this band called Vivian Girls from New York, I’ve only head a few of their songs but they sound GOOD, girl. ‘Back In Your Head’ by Tegan and Sara is pretty good - I like the lyrics. All their songs sound so similar, and I used to hate them, but I’ve softened a bit, generally.

Favorite Older Songs at the Moment

Ooh, now we’re talkin!

Prince - Erotic City

The Damned - Smash It Up  

Pylon - Danger

Everclear - Summerland (this song rules, and anyone who disagrees can bite my ass)

Replacements - Rock N Roll Ghost. This is from Don’t Tell A Soul, the second to last Mats album. My boyfriend* has a tape of it in his car, and I enjoy mocking him for this. However, he forced me to listen to this song, and once I stopped being an asshole I realized it’s really, really beautiful. One thing that’s so appealing about (early) Replacements is all the stupid, youthful energy and imagery - gettin drunk, falling over, having a crush on the girl who works at the convenience store. This song is about PW feeling like life has passed him by, he’s nothing but an old drunk, he can’t get away with these antics anymore, but that’s all he’s known since he was basically a kid. And he was probably like, 29 when he wrote it! It’s a tearjerker. Speaking of other tearjerking Replacements songs - Sixteen Blue. Holy shit. Bob Stinson’s guitar makes me cry sometimes, for real.

Favorite New Aritst

I have no idea. I’ll go with Vivian Girls even though they are largely unknown to me. 

Favorite Song Ever

I love Here It Comes by The Stone Roses. It probably changed my musical course completely.

Best Recent Concert

The only two concerts I’ve been to in the past year are The Fall and Dead Meadow. The Fall was just OK. Their new band is a bunch of bald dudes in baggy jeans with the guitars up at their nipples. Uh. The Americans were way better. At Dead Meadow I got really high and freaked out for about half an hour. It was really crowded and we were sitting down and I couldn’t see anything, I didn’t have a drink, and I started thinking about how hot and high I was and I was having all these horrible visions… people I love dying in car crashes and stuff. Ugh! The band was pretty boring, too. I’ve heard this complaint somewhere before - not about DM but about some other stoner-lite band - that they’re not heavy enough to play as slowly as they do. Their jams are not “all that,” if you know what I’m saying, and I think you do. Really, I can’t remember the last time I enjoyed myself at a concert. I don’t like live music very much.

Last Great Film I Saw

No Country For Old Men was THE SHIT! Man, it was so badass. Actually, I think that was the last film I saw at all. Like I said, I’m pretty inert.

Last Great Book I Read

I read The Stranger for the first time last October and I really enjoyed it.

Favorite Piece of Musical Equipment

I don’t know how to play anything - have a bass that I can mess around on, and my boyfriend** gave me a guitar a couple of Christmases ago that I proceeded not to play, much to his chagrin, because I was immobilized by anxiety and depression about moving to a different country and could barely get through a day without crying (usually at my desk at work!), let alone learn how to play guitar! HAHAHAHAHA!

Favorite Record Shop

Reckless Records on Broadway in Chicago. I’ve been going there for years. It holds a lot of memories for me - and they have a great selection. It reminds me of what that neighborhood used to be (or how I like to fantasize that it used to be.)

Best Purchase of the Past Year

I spend my money on inordinate amounts of crap. Eventually the best thing I will have bought will be my masters degree. 

Best Thing I Did This Year

Went to Paris for the first time and managed to get by with my mostly high-school French, wore tight clothing and ate luxurious meals.

Favorite Venue

Hummm… the Empty Bottle in Chicago is pretty good. Again, live music, eh.

Favorite TV Show at the Moment

My favorite one that I’ve picked up in England is Coronation Street. Locally produced, slow-moving, mostly banal storylines. It’s the shit! 

Favorite Video Game at the Moment

I generally could not give less of a shit about video games.

Favorite Radio Show

On my computer, I’m usually streaming Chicago Public Radio, WOXY, WOXY Vintage or, less often, WFMU. I listen to NPR compulsively even though I find it mostly obnoxious. I like Sound Opinions and Car Talk though. I used to listen to Loveline a lot. The Big Beat with Marty Lennartz on XRT in Chicago is good. There’s a show on WFMU where this lady plays a bunch of garage rock… that one’s pretty good. And I used to like Blues Before Sunrise on CPR before they canceled it!!! What the heck?! Oh, I weep for you, BBS. 88.7 in Chicago is an excellent local station that is listenable 98% of the time.

My Ringtone

Vibrate, always. I hate being that asshole.

What is your idea of perfect happiness?

Talking and laughing with people I love - being able to forget about my problems for even a short amount of time.

Which historical figure do you most identify with?

Rutherford B. Hayes 

Which living person do you most admire?

People who get on with their lives and don’t complain. People who think in broad terms and who think of implications. 

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

Laziness and insecurity.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?

Selfishness.

What is your greatest extravagance?

Food n booze n clothes

What is your favorite journey?

Usually the outward leg of a road trip, even a short one, going wherever.

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?

Controlling one’s emotions.

On what occasion do you lie?

When the truth would cause more harm than good and when it’s inconsequential.

Which living person do you most despise?

I despise people who have no regard for the humanity of others, whether it’s people who treat waiters and waitresses like shit or politicians who let people suffer in poverty and hunger. Politics and artifcial divisions are what makes this world a depressing place.

What is your greatest regret?

When I think about it, I don’t really have any. Everything has happened for a reason, and the truly horrible things that have happened were out of my control. I was going to say moving to England, but I hope that it will ultimately turn out as something positive.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?

Ha… I don’t want to pin that on a person yet, so I’ll say my cat Izzy, who I’ve had for 15 and a half years and who I love very, very much. She made me love animals and helped me learn how to take care of a living thing.

When and where were you happiest?

I loved Saturday nights as a kid - my dad would be working, and my mom, my sister and I would stay home, eat junk food and watch Golden Girls and Sisters and other crappy shows and my mom would let me and Nikki put makeup on her. Or winter nights when I was younger - my mom would be cooking dinner, the windows would be fogged up, my dad would be watching TV and I would flit between his room and the kitchen, feeling very safe and secure.

Which talent would you most like to have?

Play de guitar. 

What is your current state of mind?

Hopeful.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

I would get rid of the low self-esteem. I think everything else would take care of itself after that.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?

Getting through college after my dad passed away. 

If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?

I’m not sure where I stand on reincarnation, though it is a very cool idea. I’d like to be a cat, but who wouldn’t? Whenever I used to have a big project to do for school or something, I would wistfully look at Izzy sleeping on the radiator and wish I could switch places with her. My best friend admitted that she used to think this about her cats as well. 

If you could choose what to come back as, what would it be?

Oh… right. Still a cat. What would I be? If karma is involved, probably something very middling, to reflect my incredibly middling self right now. I don’t know if being a human is a blessing or a punishment.

What is your most treasured possession?

A ring my dad gave me… very little monetary value, but you know.

Where would you like to live?

Ooh, Paris would be nice, if I was heavily monied. Same goes for San Francisco. I like New York but I don’t think it’s for me. I also have some sort of anonymous Southern ranch house that I imagine living in, with willow trees and a lot of haze outside. I would be driving a pick up truck and my husband would be creatively inclined. I’ll have to go on some road trips to find this place.

What is your most marked characteristic?

Physical, maybe my eyes. Personality-wise, I’m sure 9 out of 10 people who know me would say sarcasm.

What do you most value in your friends?

Humor, openness, compassion, and knowing that they’ll be there for me no matter where they physically are. 

Who are your favorite writers?

I really need to read more. I prefer non-fiction but I like Irvine Welsh, Carson McCullers and Gabriel Garcia-Marquez.

Who is your favorite hero of fiction?

I don’t have one.

Who are your heroes in real life?

I don’t know that I have any of those either. The closest would be my mom and dad. I feel like your hero has to be someone whose situation has been similar to your own at some point. Creatively, Joel Hodgson from Mystery Science Theater 3000 is original and uncompromising and, most importantly, hilarious. And he’s from Wisconsin!

What is it that you most dislike?

Animal cruelty. The absence of a cure for cancer. 

How would you like to die?

No matter what I die of, I hope I’m not alone.

What is your motto?

I’ll do it tomorrow.

…

Christ, I’m depressing!

*Or whatever.

**Ibid.
 

The triumphant return of the News-Star

The Chicago News-Star (covering Rogers Park, Ravenswood, Edgewater and Uptown), which was formerly owned by Lerner Newspapers, which was bought out by Pioneer Local, which was bought out by the Sun-Times News Group, which lost a bunch of money and stuff because of Conrad Black and because of the impending death of print journalism (noo!) and subsequently dumped a bunch of the neighborhood papers, is back! The Chicago Journal bought up a few of the north side papers, including the News-Star, allowing it to rise like a mighty phoenix from the ashes - a phoenix that concerns itself with the news ‘n’ views of the Far North Side!

My dad subscribed to this paper when I was a kid, and I have a feeling this is where my obsession with local media and news began. The police blotter, especially, holds a special place in my heart. It’s a gentle voyeurism. Of course I’m nosy about what’s going on in the hood, but I love the way these things are written with a wink, as if they know everyone who likes to read them is as corny and weird as me. For consideration:

The truth hurts

A robbery occurred on the 1200 block of W. Lawrence at 9 p.m. on Jan. 21. The victim, a 48-year-old man, was approached by a man in a red and white coat. The man asked for 50 cents and the victim replied that that he had no money. Apparently, the offender did not believe him, because he grabbed the victim by the coat and threw him to the ground, whereupon he checked the victim’s pockets for money. There was no money, and the offender ran west on Lawrence. Police canvassed the area with no results.

It’s absurd! They’re making fun of everyone involved! Of course, murders and more serious crimes tend not to get reported, so we’ll never see anything like I Love You To Death: Man violates order of protection and murders ex-girlfriend. Nope, just robberies, prostitutes, and bongs being mistaken for pipe bombs in the apartment of a man running a hydroponic weed operation. Good, clean crime.

Scandale!

Closer, soberer investigation of my unplayed itunes playlist reveals a swathe (a WIDE swathe, at that) of songs that I have indeed listened to many times!

The oldest ‘last played’ date out of songs with a play count is 4/27/07. Does that mean that I haven’t listened to any of these songs all the way through in at least 51 weeks? Does it matter? I don’t even care about this. Jesus Christ.

I need to make a record of my favorite songs so I don't forget

Or so I can look back in a year and be like, ugh, I’m so sick of these songs but wasn’t it cute that I liked them then?

The Fall: Too many to list. Especially notable are Lay Of The Land, Put Away and Cab It Up (Peel Sessions [snort]), Clear Off!, I Feel Voxish, Room To Live (Live), Vixen, Paint Work, I Am Damo Suzuki, The Man Whose Head Expanded, Eat Y’Self Fitter, Rebellious Jukebox, Psykick Dancehall, Industrial Estate, Disney’s Dream Debased, Faust Banana, Frenz, and The Last Commands of Xyralothep via M.E.S., one of their only post-2000 songs that I listen to with any regularity. OK, I guess I listed them.

The Replacements: Left Of The Dial, Hold My Life, Fuck School, Answering Machine, Little Mascara

!!!: Take Ecstasy With Me

The Damned: Smash It Up

The Pixies: Velouria

Slumber Party: Ten Little Pills

Jim Carroll Band: People Who Died

Human Zoo: July July (I NEED THIS ALBUM)

Lost Kids: Alive In The Snow. Formerly: Whirling Dervish.

Starlite Desperation: I Lost My Bees

Felt: Something Sends Me To Sleep

Deerhunter: Wash Off

Smashing Pumpkins: Siva

Stone Roses: Sally Cinnamon (Live at the Haçienda, solely for JS’s solo.)

Favorite Albums Of All Time Everrrrrr:

The Stooges - s/t and Funhouse

The Fall - The Wonderful and Frightening World of the Fall (embellished w/ Escape Routes)

Slumber Party - s/t

The Replacements - Let It Be

The Stone Roses - s/t

Robyn Hitchcock - I Often Dream Of Trains

Spiritualized - Laser Guided Melodies

Verve - A Storm In Heaven

All Night Radio - Spirit Stereo Frequency (I can’t believe they weren’t bigger)

Albums That I Love Almost The Whole Way Through But Are Just Awesome And Extremely Enjoyable, And Have Maybe Meant Something To Me Over The Years, But Are Not Heartwrenching, Necessarily Original, Seminal Or Mindblowing:

Ash - 1977

Skull Kontrol - Deviate Beyond All Means Of Capture (Does it count? Eight songs in 17 minutes?)

Le Shok - We Are Electrocution (13 songs in 15 minutes!)

Oasis - Definitely Maybe

The Clash - s/t

A Personal Chronology Of Favorite Bands:

New Kids On The Block (1990-91)

1991-1992: Dark years for me, good years for B96.

The B-52s (1992-93)

Pearl Jam (1993-95)

Oasis (1995-96)

The Stone Roses (1996-2000; perennial fall-back)

The Smiths (1997-99; see also late 2005-early 2006)

The Clash and The Jam (1998-2000)

AC/DC (2000-2001 - the Bon Scott years, of course.)

When I started college (2000) I stopped my freakish, listening-to-one-band-exclusively schtick. Here is but a sampling of my favorites at the time:

The Brian Jonestown Massacre, The Dandy Warhols, The Rolling Stones, The Stooges, The White Stripes (2001)

Television, Cat Power, The Strokes, um… this period is kind of a blur (2001-02)

Le Shok, The Starlite Desperation, MAKE-UP, Prince, Roxy Music (2002-03)

2003-2005: I was working at a record store (the now-defunct Tower) during this time, and I listened to a both a lot of good music and a lot of crap. Besides the ol’ reliables, I remember being into Interpol, Dungen, The Libertines, MIA, and a bunch of other stuff that received tons of in-store promotion c/o cuddly, dying record companies.

Late 2005: newly re-employed and lacking info about new music, I turned to The Smiths in a big way, tried to like The Constantines in order to impress a guy (did not work), my wonderful friend Sean introduced me to Slumber Party and I introduced myself to Black Tambourine and a bunch of twee shit of which I now cannot stand the thought. Except for Belle & Sebastian, perhaps the unlikeliest of my favorite bands.

2006: Main obsession: The Fall.

2007: Main obsession: The Replacements.

2008: OMG I DUNNO! WHO CUD IT B? LOL WHO IZ IT

There are 1626 (out of 4564) songs on my itunes that have a 0 play count. I think that means I’ve never listened to any of them all the way through. That is 35% of the music on this computer. That’s pathetic. I am making a playlist of them and will attempt to listen to all of them all the way through. If they suck, THEY GET THE BOOT.

I watched the video for Liz Phair’s ‘Supernova’ the other day (a pre-teen fave) and it gave me a very creepy sense of déja-vu. The song came out when I was 11, and at that time I thought Liz was super cool and sexy and I even remember trying to imitate her by making my upper lip artificially thin when I smiled. I loved that song, too, and I used to watch 120 Minutes every week, and tape the videos I liked, so there’s no telling how many times I watched that video in 1994. Other 120 Minutes faves:

Green Day - Basket Case

The Dambuilders - Shrine

Soundgarden - Black Hole Sun

L7 - Andres

I don’t remember noticing older bands on 120M that I really liked. I think I was too young to look back yet.

Now I am forced to download mediocre late-80s B-52s songs. Fred Schneider is 56! And Kate Pierson is 59! I love, love loved her when I was a kid. She’s a lesbian! How did that get by me? I can’t find any songs from ‘Good Stuff.’ That’s probably for the best.